How I ever got to you I have no idea

My tolerance for stupidity and simplicity is becoming less and less.  I'm beginning to think I'm alone in my interests and philosophies.  I'm bored with my job, but know that switching and going another route will result in more boredom.  RUT.  This is discouraging.

The only things that you can see is all that you lack...
And you're singing lead soprano in a junkman's choir...
And you been whipped by the forces that are inside you...
Well you know you should surrender but you can't let go...

At one time The future it stretched out before me

Here I am, nearly 26 years old, and realizing that I'm not all that different from how I used to be.

After 3 years in public education, I know it's not for me - at least not permanently.  The students are enjoyable (kind of), but repeating the same lessons, day after day, year after year is mind-numbing.  Other aspects of education are intolerable:  administration with less education telling teachers what to do, no power to intervene with students because parents call the shots, no money for adequate supplies, the bureaucracy, the petty and childlike manner in which your opinions are addressed (even in the "safety" of a department meeting), the ongoing requirement to do moremoremore with no compensation...yet the most disturbing:  the deterioration of my brain.  I've devoured books this last year, simply because I fear losing the education and abilities I've worked to obtain.

So what now?

I'm toying with the idea of going back to school, but I'm not sure for what.  I'd like to migrate back to bench science, but I'm having trouble visualizing what my ultimate plan is in the first place.  I'm restless, but that's nothing new.

I run on a high level of anxiety lately.

I'm not looking forward to my upcoming flight to South America.  I don't do well with airplanes.

I wonder what type of responsibility I have now that I'm no longer making decisions only for myself.  I still romanticize the drifter lifestyle - moving whenever, living wherever, taking a variety of jobs.  I despise the guilt I have for feeling this way.  What I find most interesting is the assumption that life is supposed to be perfect after marriage.  Divorce rates aren't suprising if that's the median expectation.  I don't think my vision is idealistic, but even I couldn't predict how intimidating this stage of life would be.  Maybe the most ominous part is that in a marriage you sometimes forget that the two of you were once people, who might have been different at some point, before you threw yourselves together.

For someone obsessed with old graveyards, it's no shock that I'm haunted by everything.

Saying anyone can be a hero you just got to force people to look up to you
So when you’re talking on a hotline to a suicidal soul
Don’t let your voice sound like hot coffee more like a scented pillow
And strive for understanding over being understood
Just don’t let yourself forget when the times get good

I thought that I would be in heaven but I'm only up a tree